A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." A Flaky Blonde One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!'' A Side Order of Blondes Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

Adventures in Disneyland Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home. Alligator Shoes A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" Another Dumb Blonde A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' Bad Blondes, Whatcha Gonna Do? A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops. "Yes," says the blonde. "Are their lights on?" The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No." Blond Father A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!" Blonde & Cruise A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that says, ''Ocean Cruise Only 5$.'' She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconscious. When the blonde wakes up she''s tied to a log and is floating down river. She starts to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her, she says, "So do you think they''re going to serve us some food on this trip?" Blonde - Death in the Family One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!'' Blonde - Detectives Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. ''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.'' The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. ''He only has one ear,'' was her answer. ''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.'' After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.'' This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!'' ''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?'' Blonde - Drowning A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. ''Where have you been?'' asked the man. ''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!'' Lawyer Jokes   Beautiful? There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You're beautiful! and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said You're cute! Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She said What happened to beautiful? His reply was The drugs are wearing off! Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny.  "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."     "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake.  "To be sure, it was my fault.   I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"     "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny.  "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out."     So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"     Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"     And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"     So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."   Defense Lawyer's Good News "I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client. "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140." Don't Mess with the Judge There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, Where do you work? The man said, Here and there. The judge asked the man, What do you do for a living? The man said, This and that. The judge then said, Take him away. The man said, Wait, judge when will I get out? The judge said to the man, Sooner or later. Engineering In Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Farmer Joe and his Mule Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'' ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"